It’s the age-old question. Why did the chicken cross the road? Here are 25 answers from the experts.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and to keep him down.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Freud: The fact that you thought the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Los Angeles Police Department: Give me 10 minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
The Sphinx:  You tell me.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
O.J.: It didn’t. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I’ve not been told!
Joseph Stalin: I don’t care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
Albert Camus: It does not matter. The chicken’s actions have no meaning except to him.
Darwin: It was the next logical step after coming down from the trees.
Oliver Stone: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” but is rather, “Who was crossing the road at the same time who we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?”
Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
M.C. Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time

FREE! New Catch Phrases
By Iris Schubert

Catch phrases—they’re everywhere. And there’s one for any situation, from “going postal,” meaning your job has driven you to the point of homicidal lunacy, to “percussive maintenance,” a la The Fonz, which many of us have used once or twice to “fix” our computers.

Our challenge then was to come up with some unique catch phrases of our own, oftentimes parodying actual phrases of the past or present. To make it more interesting, we’ve thrown together both real phrases and parodies. Your challenge is to match the phrase to its meaning. Succeed and you’re the bomb. By the way, that’s a good thing.
 
 
 
 

1. Going coastal 2. Pyrotechnic maintenance 3. Kicked to the curb 4. Thrown into the sewer drain 5. Don’t go ballistic 6. Don’t go intercontinental 7. They’re like dinosaurs 8. Talk to the hand

a. When your significant other terminates your relationship, you’re ... b. What your best friend tells you after she wrecks your new car. c. What students say about anyone popular in the ’80s. d. Just days before Spring Break, students experience symptoms including glazed looks, thinking aloud and aimless walking. The only cure is to skip class, pack your gear and head for the beach at speeds exceeding 80 mph. e. What your travel agent tells you after the latest terrorist bombing in Israel. f. What the guy who just robbed you did with your keys. g. I’m ignoring your pathetic attempts to apologize. h. For the person who no longer cares whether the computer ever works again but desperately needs stress relief. This “repair” requires a Roman candle and a match.

 

The Burglar and the Parrot

A burglar breaks into a house in a ritzy neighborhood. Although he’s sure there’s nobody home, he leaves the lights off as he sneaks in and heads for the valuables.

He hears a voice say, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”

He freezes in his tracks! He doesn’t move a muscle.

A few minutes pass. The voice repeats, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”

He quietly switches on his flashlight, and looks around the room. He sees a parrot in a cage. “Did you say that?”

The parrot repeats, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”

“Hah! So what?! You’re just a parrot!” says the burglar.

“I may be just a parrot,” replies the parrot. “But Jesus is a Doberman!”

Answers: 1-D, 2-H, 3-A, 4-F, 5-B, 6-E, 7-C, 8-G