Dating-success security

An essential checklist that shows you how to make your newfound relationship become a long-lasting one.

By David Schipper and Carolyne Moomaw

Phone calls

• Don't call drunk. You'll wind up putting your foot so far down your throat, it will take you a week to get it out.
• Any call after 2 a.m. is a booty call. Out of the blue, call to say good night (the call must be random).
  

Gifts

• A single rose goes a long way.
• Colorful non-rose bouquets work if you have already done the roses ten hundred times.
• No rings until "The Ring," but jewelry is always good. A neutral gift is a necklace.
  

Bathroom

• It is excellent to shower together, but all other bathroom activities should be done in private.
• At her place: deodorize, disinfect and sanitize.

Arguments

• Don't patronize her, or be condescending.
• Winning is secondary.
• Don't hang up the phone while arguing.
• Know when it is her time of the month, and get far, far away when it is.
• Never correct her.

Personal Space

• Beware of losing T-shirts, boxers, mesh shorts.
• Always take out the garbage.
• Don't eat out of her fridge unless you ask permission.
• The TV clicker is controlled by whoever's house you are in, except if you're in her house.
• She is a girlfriend, not your maid.

Sex

• Don't ask for kinky stuff until much later down the road -- one month.
• Don't be afraid to try new things. There are more than two positions (hit up the bookstore).
• Always lie about previous partners.
• Foreplay is a must.