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Cybersexy cheatingWhen gloves come off behind chat-room doorsby Marilene Saffouri and Eliane DichterIllustrations by Jason Martin
Some view these chat-room exchanges as regret-free fun. Others aren't amused by thoughts of Sweetie pooh getting freaky online. Just a mouse click away and inexpensive, cybersex is blurring the line of unfaithfulness like "Debbie Does Dallas" never could. This isn't your dad's Playboy, kids. It's real-time interaction between two horny individuals. But is it cheating? To backtrack for the cyber virgins out there, Dr. William Marsiglio, professor of sociology at the University of Florida, defines cybersex as, "the use of computer technology to create an erotic environment between participants and act as though they're having sex with one another without physical contact." English, please? Basically, two people type kinky comments back and forth, whether it be in a virtual chat room or a similar instant messaging forum, while simultaneously masturbating. Students like Kristen Kochheiser would rather their significant others enjoy this type of mental escape than hook up with a actual person. "I consider cheating a physical thing. There are emotional things involved, too" the psychology major says. "Yeah, there's another person there (for cybersex), but you can have the same conversation with the computer without there being a person there." Marisol Mojica agrees. "It's not cheating for the simple fact that it's a figment of your imagination," says the computer information sciences major. "Is watching a porno cheating? No. It's on the same level because it is your fantasy. It's not real, all watch and play." Both women are correct - cybersex participants usually don't know each other and may never meet. On the other side of the keyboard are those who feel they would be sharing a partner if the person interfaced with strangers. For decision and information sciences major Howard Wetterer, even one cybersexcapade is too much to tolerate. "If my girlfriend did that, I'd break up with her," he says. "It's actually somebody writing you back. When you just look at a magazine … it's different." Although Wetterer says he's never visited a chat room, he isn't wrong to assume more might be at stake than just online hi-jinx. Occasionally, the experiences lead to exchanging e-mail addresses. Friendships follow and repeated rendezvous may ensue. "If the people are very serious about it and are truly having feelings about the person they're with, (then) it's not for entertainment purposes only," zoology major Amy McGreane says. Likewise, public relations major Katie McCormick says she'd be offended if she found her boyfriend regularly chatting with another cyber chick.
Even when cybersex is with multiple partners, it is still considered by some to be a legitimate act of betrayal. "It's definitely cheating," says John Schofield, a speech pathology graduate student. "It doesn't seem part of a healthy, caring relationship. Your girlfriend writing intimate stuff to a stranger … can damage a relationship and cause problems." But multiple-partner cybersex actually may serve some positive purpose for couples. After all, no one's ever gotten AIDS from touching themselves. Some experts also say it's a safe outlet for spouses or lovers who might otherwise seek out people with whom they would have real sex. Business student Jillian Berg hits upon the ultimate fear surrounding online escapades - partners actually uniting with the virtual love of their lives. "If there is an intention to meet, then yes (it is cheating.) I would just wonder why my boyfriend would need to find intimacy with another person," she says. "I would hope that he wouldn't need to go somewhere else, like the 'Net." If the relationship is healthy to begin with, chances are it won't be deleted with the stroke of a keyboard. Ultimately, the best way to avoid the Internet becoming a superhighway to relationship destruction is for partners to discuss whether cybersex is cheating before being caught with their pants down and hands on the mouse.
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"It is absolutely, 100 percent cheating," McCormick says. "If my boyfriend is talking dirty to someone online, then why is he with me? He should be with her. Especially, if it's the same girl over a long period of time. Then, it jumps into a whole different league."