Straightened Out
Program uses religious counseling in hopes of converting homosexuals into heterosexuals
Photo Illustration: Jessica Crossfield
“We never had a ceremony ‘cause I didn’t believe that two men should get married.”
Ron Smith’s seventeen and a half year relationship with his boyfriend did, however, warrant a shared home, cars and one bank account.
“Everything that could be tied together was tied together.”
Ron was raised in a Christian household, and being gay was not an accepted lifestyle to Ron’s family and friends. He joined his father, a Baptist preacher, and mother at church every time the doors were open for almost 20 years.
Although his Christian beliefs taught him that being gay was wrong, he didn’t know how to “fix” how he felt. He didn’t know how to be any different.
“I believe that it is a choice, and that it happens at a young enough age to where you don’t really know that’s the choice that you’re making.”
But four and a half years ago, Ron decided to re-evaluate his choice.
“I was out there. We’re talkin’ the crop tops, the short shorts. Oh yes, it was scary—really, really scary,” Ron laughs.
Leaving his home, boyfriend and bank account, Ron spent two and a half years at the Christian-based New Hope Ministry, a residential recovery program in San Francisco Bay, California. Under the leadership of Frank Worthen, a founding minister of Exodus International, Ron lived with other men struggling with homosexual tendencies.
Through classes and group accountability, Ron was mentored in the basis of homosexual feelings and how one comes to choose that lifestyle.
Now, almost five years later, Ron is now a conservative 41-year-old who has led other men and women through their struggle with homosexual feelings, as a former employee of New Hearts Outreach (NHO), an Exodus International referral ministry in Tampa.
NHO, developed in 1998, is directed by founder Mark Culligan. The 64-year-old’s experience of leaving 20 years of gay living led him to open a non-profit sanctuary to minister to others going through similar sexual difficulties.
“We’re here for those that call us, and they say ‘I want out.’ Other people have the right to make choices that they want to make,” Mark says. “We don’t twist anybody’s arm to change; we don’t try to convince them of anything.”
While about 50 percent of participants are dealing with homosexuality, the program helps those with other problems such as sexual abuse, prostitution and sexual addiction.
On Mondays, an average of 12 to 15 men and women gather from 7 to 9 p.m. in an open-group setting. Tuesday evenings, the program offers Living Waters, a closed group that requires an application, interview process and a commitment of 26 weeks to join. Wednesday mornings, a men’s only accountability group is provided.
The programs are based on Exodus International’s three-pronged approach: one-on-one counseling, confidential support groups and accountability partners.
Over the years, NHO has directly aided over 100 people in healing what Mark calls their “sexual brokenness.”
He refers to 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 and Romans 1:20-29, which speak of sexual immorality, adultery and homosexuality.
“As Christians, our code of conduct is based on the scriptures. Anything that is outside of our understanding of what is in the scriptures is sexual brokenness.”
Ron adds that relational brokenness is crucial to understand and consider as well.
“What so many people don’t understand is homosexuality really isn’t a sexual thing, it’s a relational thing. It’s not that we can’t relate to women. It’s that we can’t relate to men. What we deem is to get affirmation from other men through a sexual way.”
But Ron says he can now look at a man and know the man has nothing that he needs, though before Ron might have perceived something that was lacking in his own life, leading to lusting after that man and his qualities.
This helps with that same-sex attraction that he used to sexualize.
“I can now say, ‘I am the same,’ and turn the attraction off. I have to fight that, and I struggle with it, depending where I am emotionally, but day to day, and moment to moment, that’s how I can perceive other men now as, ‘We’re the same; I’m not different.’”
Dealing with the temptation to fall back into the lifestyle is a reality, so Mark emphasizes the importance of commitment to the program.
“This isn’t about coming to three meetings of NHO and everything is perfect,” he says. “This is about a radical life change at a very deep, heart level. It’s not that we just don’t do same-sex stuff anymore. This is a journey, and it continues. This isn’t like a zap from God, and everything is wonderful.”
Ray Gomez, 40, went through NHO’s one-on-one program and is an ex-gay of three years. He says the hardest part of the transition was putting himself in a position of vulnerability to open up to those around him.
While many family members and friends show encouragement to their loved ones, his were not as supportive. He remembers being called a faggot, or queer, even by his own parents.
This rejection led to fear of acceptance, of feeling less than a man.
Mark says he, too, had felt rejection, which lead him to immerse himself in his homosexual lifestyle.
“And boy, you go into the gay community and you are accepted. You know? They embrace you.”
Part of NHO’s basis, Mark says, is that God also embraces and accepts, and that the program’s participants demonstrate these attributes to each other and especially to newcomers.
“We understand where they’re coming from and we have a real compassion, and a love and concern for them, so there’s absolutely no judgment.”
Ray explains that this is an important view for people to understand as they, their family or anyone else, learn about NHO.
“We are not Bible thumpers. We don’t say, ‘You must repent! You’re going to hell because you’re a sinner!’”
Contrary to this stereotype, Ray says it is through the support of other people, prayer, community and fellowship that they learn to accept themselves through the acceptance of Jesus Christ.
Confronting ones emotions in order for this acceptance is like “opening up a festering sore,” Ron says, “allowing air and medication into it to clean it all out.”
This may be something that they don’t want anyone to touch, because there is so much pain. By allowing God to control their emotions, they are also giving Him their wounds.
“It’s still sore, but at least it can heal.”