Letter from the Big Kahuna

Playtime is over. Yeah, I’m talking to you—my fellow graduates to be—it’s time for us to belly up to the bar of the real world and take a double shot of reality, no chaser—we’re graduating. Hasta la vista to getting out of your pajamas at 10:30, in the evening. Adios to piercings, braid-able hair and bong hits—well maybe the hits can hang around, but it’s time to grow up. While this deadline looms on us like a 35-year-old man’s first prostate exam, I reminisce about the days of pure happiness in my life. The days when socks had stripes, girls had the kind of cooties that couldn’t kill and I could buy three-cavities-worth of candy for 20 cents. The days when I looked up to Gobo Fraggle, ate whatever I wanted without worrying about gaining weight and recess was my favorite subject in school. Now, I look up to the asshole that sits in the front row and asks stupid questions. Why? Because he has a job. I’ve gained 15 pounds during my lovely beer and pizza-fest here in Gainesville—and for favorite classes, well that hasn’t changed—golf class totally rocked! This magazine is for us. Let’s live it up during our last days in Slackerville, ’cause when the family comes, and we’re all wearing that robe, which looks shockingly like a Grim Reaper starter kit, here come the questions:

Obnoxious aunt: “So what’d cha learn in college honey?”

Mom: “Can you believe my little baby is finally graduating?”

Dad: “When are you going to pay all this gadd@#n money back, you freeloader?”

And then all of your friends ask you the same damn question, “Gotta job yet?” Knowing full well the only person who has a job is the kissass who sits in the front row and asks annoying questions, who’s now your idol. Well here’s a question for all of you. For all the moms, dads, and obnoxious aunts.

-Allen Roberts

Check out the staff of the Spring 2004 Orange & Blue